Miss-Tbones

I do not want to bore anybody or harp on my woes anymore.....But these past couple of months have not been kind to me.....Nobody has a perfect life, and everybody has their own woes.....But for me it seems that things have come one after another.....It did start with Kevin's death....And I appreciate all the support I have gotten....It lifted me up.....But I have been living with pain on top of the emotional heartbreak....Oddly enough it happened shortly after Kevin's passing....Of course the body reacts differently to stress....My back and right hip started to give me trouble....I thought not much of it and thought it would pass.....But it did not and got progressively worse....To the point where I actually couldn't get out of bed and get dressed.....Went to the emergency room...Went to Docs....Final diagnosis is that I have spinal stenosis and some arthritis.....Why is it just so now bothering me.....Well some kind of major stressful event! The Docs wanted to know if I have been under a lot of stress lately....Ha ha I didn't know whether to laugh or cry....Well they said it could be corrected....With Ibuprofen to start....Some stretches...etc....Ohh and limit stress.....If that didn't work....Courtezon injections in my hip first....If that didn't work then my spine...(But they were very hopeful that one injection would do it).....I was told that I could go to work as normal all would be well.....Nope....I basically had to stop working....( I told them that I was taking April off).....And here I sit....in my apartment....Not be able to move or stand much with out pain.....Ohh I did get my adventure to see and photograph the Great Solar Eclipse....I wasn't about to miss that once in a life time event.....But I paid the price after....To the point my mother had to basically take care of me because I was practically bed ridden after that....I will say now at this time of writing I am out of bed again....But still in pain.....Yesterday I pushed more for some results to my situation....A new medication was called in....and the determination to give me an epidermal was made.....I am to go through that this week sometime.....So now I tell you....I am strong...And I don't let life get to me....But this and what has happened since December.....The fact that I lost Kevin....Now I lose my ability to move....Making that impossible to work properly with the kids....And ohh my other passion, photography.....Everything taken away from me! Within the span of a few months! I ask you, what hell is this! I know I'm not special and everybody has there troubles....But this!....I am still grieving the loss of Kevin....I thought I could have a refuge of my work and photography....At this point....I feel like stopping the fight.....I'm tired....My heart and body can't take anymore.....My mind has gone to dark places.....But my strong self tells me to keep going.....That Kevin would most certainly want that....and the fact that my family and friends are well aware of how I have been feeling now....I apparently can't hide my feelings from people.....I'm safe.....But I needed to get out what's going on with me.....Life (and death) can be so cruel.....I don't know, maybe I'm being tested....Maybe it's all just a coincidence that these events happened one after another....But all I can ask is that I am kept in prayers....Thank you for listening and being there....My cyber friends

Soo I got my tattoo, my tribute to Kevin as a way to try to mend and reconcile with his passing....And I don't want to harp on his death....I know people will get tired of hearing, tell me to move on....But my grief is still strong....Ohh I'm functioning and able to work and deal with life in general....But still I get pulled back to Kevin....Songs I hear....Sometimes the supermarket trip (just remembering of when we shopped together gets me)....And now he haunts me in my dreams.....I think he is trying to tell me to move on too.....My latest dream: I was in a place I loved when I was a child/teen....A cottage in Maine.....We vacationed there every summer....There was a bedroom with two beds in it....One by a window where you could get the smell of the ocean and a bed on the opposite side by the other wall....I always loved that room for some reason when my family went there in the summers....I always got a good vibe in there and chose to sleep there in the bed by the window...That place is long gone...But I was back there in my dreams.....And Kevin was with me in the room...We were just standing there.....He turned to me and finally spoke....He said to me it's time to sleep, we can not be together.....But I will be here....He told me to get in the bed by the wall which I did (funny because that was not my fav side I liked the window)....And he went to the bed by the window, got in and pulled the covers over his head....Then he was still, everything was still....And I woke up....A feeling of calm and sadness over me.....I know there is much symbolism there....And I believe he did come to me....I suppose I should take comfort in the message that was given....Take what you want from it....there is meaning in dreams and I believe the dead can come to you that way....Soo this is my latest in my coping and working through my sadness....Just curious what other think

It has been nearly Nearly 2 months since Kevin's death and burial. I have been working and getting on with life. I do miss him something awful, but the pain has lessened somewhat. Working with the kids has helped; family and friends being around has helped mend my broken heart. I have kept myself busy and trying to get back in to photography. It is Feb break and I'm on vacation for a week. I don't have too many immediate plans. But on the last day of my vacation, I am slated with a great tattoo artist, to get a tattoo in memory of Kevin. He liked sharks, soo I'm getting a tat of a shark design on my left back blade. It should be interesting. I have a tat on my lower left leg already....Soo this isn't something I haven't done before. But it has been 17 years....Ha ha....My second tattoo, a tribute to Kevin! I think it will help me in my grieving process and look nice. I will post later when I get it.

Kevin is truly gone....The wake was the 4th, funeral Mass was today. I was there from beginning until end for both of course....I am exhausted, drained, and numb (with relief and sadness)....It's all over, but for his memory.....I could "feel" Kevin with me the whole time....At the wake, where everybody was focused on the family of course, I did get some condolence and comfort (it was a woman I did not know who was asking uncle Johnny where Kevin's girlfriend was and I happened to be sitting quietly near by....As Johnny pointed at me I looked up and said that I am the girlfriend....My name is Thea....She hugged me and offered me comfort)....It was a "strange" feeling as I felt a little forgotten as the family is very "overwhelming"....But I was remembered....More surprise for me.....The family asked me to do a reading and I road in the Limo with them.....I have not been a part of the family while Kevin was a live (mostly due to Kevin)....But they seemed to really be trying to let me in now.....I did the reading at the Mass and kept my composure (although I faltered a bit and had to be steadied leaving the podium).....It is all over.....Kevin is truly gone.....But his memory isn't....He is at peace....No more suffering for him.....I have him in my heart.....It still will take time....But I will mend....I will go on here and live my life.....Knowing that Kevin will be there to guide me when I need him....R.I.P. Kevin (8/6/75-12/21/23) I love you.

Kevin has been gone since the 21st of Dec....Me having found him on the living room floor that evening when I got home from work and the days doings....I still can't get the image out of my head....I can't forget the plans that we had made for 2024....They are not to be (at least not for the two of together on this earth)....I am still at my parents apartment (again only going to mine to feed the cat).....I need some sort of closure....Now I am religious....I do believe in God....But I'm also angry....I feel failed by God (and by Kevin....Because I know it was his doing that he is dead....But I also feel God might have intervened....I don't know, I'm quite sure he sent his angels to help but Kevin didn't listen....I'm soo conflicted).....I asked that Kevin see the light ( well he saw the light...Just not the way I wanted).....It is New Year's Eve....I got together with a good friend....For lunch....Now I said I believe in God, I believe in something beyond this Earthbound plane.....But I need closure...I NEED to know he is alright....I NEED to know he didn't suffer/isn't suffering....Soo I turned to my other belief in psychic mediums...My friend said it helped her tremendously when her father died....She took me to Salem MA....where I had a reading by a very understanding, talented, and compassionate medium....She only asked the who and the when (she was shocked that it had only been since the 21st.....and that I was coming soo soon....She understood the severity of the situation and saw the guilt I had and knew I needed something).....The min I walked in the room she said someone was there for me....Kevin had come through....She asked if I had pics....I had two on my phone of Kevin sleeping with the cat.....It was coming together, I could feel Kevin around me....The Medium said that Kevin was trying to be next to me but couldn't be still (that was him in life....I guess in death too)....The Medium got a clear picture and we talked...She knew of Kevin's addiction and troubles in life....But He was whole now, no longer suffering as he did in life....He was happy (but did miss/love me).....He made it a point to make sure I knew that...Made sure I knew that he was happy and felt safe in my presence (but not quite crossed over....He was waiting for his wake/funeral).....He is sorta "stuck" in my apartment for the time being.....The Medium said that it will be his mother that will come and help him crossover when the time comes.....She then asked me if we were engaged....I said not that I know of....No we were not....She then told me that that was Kevin's intent in the near future....To get clean and marry me.....But of course it was not meant to be....It surprised me and pleased me....But saddened me too....For what could have been.....The talks continued....How good I made him feel....He had gone quick and it was an overdose accident.. He doesn't want me to give up on life and love....and that He will always be with me......Kevin seemed to want to keep the connection going because when my 30 min session was over, the Medium said that Kevin was still talking ha ha....I got my closure and feel I can better handle the wake/funeral.....When I got back to the building I went to my apartment to spend time with my kitty.....I am able to sit and be there for a bit....I called my aunt to tell her of the session I had....As I was talking about Kevin, his phone started to ding (I still have it and I'm giving it to his ex wife who wants photos on it)....My aunt told me to look at it....It was a picture of a Nike sneaker that's coming in 2024....Now Kevin was a BIG sneaker fan (he collected everything sneaker).....Was it a coincident or was it a message from him?! I feel better! Still sad, but better!